You are on a deserted island. You’re here because your boss said, “Go to Brazil and solve the f—ing problem!” and you took a cruise ship instead of a plane, because you’re f—ing brilliant.

Now you have a f—ing problem. No, you do not have a problem doing… Anyhow, you are here and it’s a problem. How do you solve it? Send out and SOS!

Great idea! Step one, find rocks to spell SOS.

Step two, give up on step one because where the f— do find rocks on a sandy beach?

Back to step one. Build SOS with coconuts!

Step two climb up a coconut tree and get coconuts.

Step one… nap?

All this thinking has made you hungry. There’s plenty of fish!

Step one… yes, nap.

Now that you’re rested, you can come up with a better plan. Build a signal fire!

Step one, cut down a tree.

Step one, go into the creepy jungle with snakes and pick up wood from the ground. You forgot to mention spiders.

Step one, no signal fire.

Call for help?

Step one, check cell service.

Step two, two bars. Really? You have two bars in the middle of the ocean?

Step three, call 911.

“The number you are trying to reach…”

Step four, call home.

Step five, throw your charge-depleted phone in sand.

You made it to step 5! Celebrate with a melted York peppermint patty from your pocket. Why do have it in your pocket? You’ll think about that later.

You wade into the water up to your knees and dig your toes in the sand. You figure a beautiful tropical island isn’t such a bad place to die. That’s when you notice something on the horizon.

You see a white blur that resolves into the shape of a boat. A boat that looks familiar. The launch from the cruise ship! You wonder if they noticed you were missing.

Step one, take off hat and wave.

Step two, jump up and down…

336 words

Today’s prompt is to write a second-person how-to.

If you thought this was funny, try View From My Window

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